As a woman myself and working with 65% female clients of all ages, I have the insider information on what women want when it comes to dating — and what they don’t want.
I’m going to break it down in simple terms. If you do any of these things, your chances of getting a date dwindle. Avoid them and you may be on the right path.
Gym selfies
Why, oh why, do men post these? I have a few hypotheses.
It’s obvious that they think we, as women, want to see that they are in shape. Sure, we do. But we want to see you clothed. If you’re in good shape, then we can tell — even if you’re wearing a sweater.
No women I know, friends or clients alike, will swipe right or contact someone because of a gym picture. If anything, they are liking you despite the picture.
Someone said it best on my Instagram page: “I ‘swipe left’ on anyone with gym pics because, to me, it signals they need or want external validation, which I find problematic for many reasons, including cheating, being a follower, and having low self-esteem, none of which are qualities I want in a date, let alone a partner.”
So, feel free to show women what you like to do — hiking, biking, surfing — but don’t take a gym selfie in the mirror. No one wants to see that … except you.
Like the expression “Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made,” the same can be said for muscles. Just show the finished product out of the gym.
Pet names
If you don’t know a woman yet, don’t call her “babe,” “baby,” “boo,” “beautiful,” “cutie,” “hun,” “honey” or anything that sounds remotely similar.
These are terms of endearment that should be saved for when you’re in a relationship and only if your partner likes them. Before you know someone, those terms come off as patronizing and condescending.
Sexual talk
Any mention of sex or anything physical (from cuddling to a love language of physical touch) in your profile is a turnoff. Why? Because it looks like you have no discretion as to who you do these physical acts with.
Most people enjoy intimacy in their relationships when the time is right, but to see it laid out in the profile is off-putting.
The phone number thrust
You’re having a great conversation and you want to take it to the next level — a phone call or text exchange. (For the record, I don’t recommend doing this. Just arrange the date on the site/app. Things usually get lost in the shuffle once you move to text, and the date doesn’t happen.)
You think, “I’ll just send her my number. No biggie.” She reads this as, “He’s lazy. Why can’t he reach out to me first?” or “Why can’t he be a gentleman and ask for my number? I don’t want to text him first!”
My recommendation? Arrange the date online, and then a day before, write this: “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow! In case you need to reach me, my number is 917-555-2928. What’s yours?” This is so much better than, “My number is 917-555-2928. Text me.”
The man with no plan
Funny. I thought we all used Google. Apparently, some people don’t!
Women get very frustrated when someone says, “Why don’t you pick a place?” or “What did you have in mind?” There’s a lot of pressure there. Do you want to meet at a nice bar, a coffee shop, a restaurant or something else? Especially if you’re going to pay (a whole other discussion), women don’t want to pick something above your price range.
If you don’t know the area, the best thing you should do would be to Google the area and give your date a few choices. Then, you can add, “But if you have something else in mind, let me know.” Nine times out of 10, she’ll be so appreciative that you made the extra effort that even if your choices aren’t great, she’ll be very quick to overlook it because you tried.
The flake-out
This goes for everyone. Don’t cancel at the last minute, don’t stand someone up, and don’t be flaky.
I get it. People have done it to you. But don’t perpetuate this noncommittal culture. Remember that there’s a person at the other end, not just a bot or an iPhone screen. An actual person who made actual time to see you.
Stop doing these things, and your odds of getting dates will increase. That’s math. Use it to your advantage.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH for updates and tips.
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